dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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