I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
