the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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