your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
