And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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