Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
