I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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