At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
