my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
