once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
