The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
