I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize