For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
