You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Please, let me fuck your mom
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
