If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
