There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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