Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
