she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
