whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
