I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize