wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
