Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Where is the hickey?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
