who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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