They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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