dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
