The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
