i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
