If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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