ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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