There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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