i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
