OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
