You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
