our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
