Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
now i know why i became what i already was.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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