You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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