I met the friendliest cop last night
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
