I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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