I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
