you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
