I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
