I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
false alarm, still single
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
