Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
