Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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