i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
