she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
