A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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