Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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