I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We need a shit load of segways right now
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
