The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
