If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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