We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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