my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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