chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
