you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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