I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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