so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize