Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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