I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Randomize
