I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Is Oprah even human
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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