Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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