Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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