got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize