Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
My cat gives me a boner
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize