so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
